Tantra: The Knight and The Damsel

It has been said that with gay men, we feel like we want to be the knight. And yet... in the next instant, we long to be the damsel.

WHAT a crock of shit.

(I'm quoting myself, so I can diss that crap right from the start.)

But is there any truth in that?

Men who love men are raised just like heterosexual guys. There's only room for one person at the top. We have to be in charge. We have to beat everyone out of the prize, whatever that prize is.

What about the guy who's interested in a more passive role? Over the years, I've taken care of a number of straight-identified men as a tantric sex therapist, often in positions of power, who wanted me to take charge, sometimes to the point of subjugation.

Like their corporate buddies who see a dominatrix for punishment and spankings, they've learned to trust someone, male or female. by giving up all the power. To finally take off everything they've strived for and allow their Dom to totally take charge.

The line I started with, and then dissed the same, speaks to an aspect that men, in particular, aren't often willing or able to admit. We like it both ways. We may love to be in charge in one situation, and more than willing, even excited, to let someone else take the reins in another scenario.

An elderly friend of mine called me several years ago after reading my first male/male romance novel.

"I have just one question," he stated, before even saying hello. "How much of this is you and how much is made up?"

I can't say this for every author, but I will admit there's a little of both in my main protagonists, as well as other characters, plus a good amount of personal attributes or accomplishments that I wish I had. Conversely, there are also a few character flaws of other characters that I hope I'll never demonstrate in my life.

In the early days of coming out as a cis-gay man to my mother, she said something that stunned me. Well, actually, she said a couple of things, but the one I'm talking about was her inquiry about what position I played in the bedroom.

"I mean, I understand that you could be turned on by another man's body. I certainly can be. If your sister told me she was a lesbian, I probably couldn't handle it. I know what other women have, and I couldn't be less interested. What would bother me, however, is if you were the passive partner."

Drop mic moment.

At the time, I was able to assure her that it was the case. Fortunately, that conversation was never repeated, primarily because there are a number of things about my work over the years that she doesn't care to hear about.

Shortly after that conversation, I decided to take a chance on the wild side. It wasn't pleasant, and I gave it up immediately. Why?

I was operating on stereotypes. I felt like I was less of a man. Over the years, I can confidently repeat one line from the movie Car Wash: "Honey, I'm not only more man than you'll ever be, but I'm also more woman than you could handle." When my Grindr profile says I'm versatile, I mean it.

Granted, in the past few years, the women in Disney fairy tales have been in charge. Some don't even find the handsome prince or the knight in shining armor.... It's not his story anyway.

Young girls seeing powerful role models can be just as novel as Ken finding his own life and way in the wake of "Barbie." He does that, however, by realizing a simple tantric principle.

We are all, male or female, capable of being both dominant and submissive. We can be in charge of our lives, with or without a partner. We can ask for what we want, when we want it, how we want it delivered, and by whom. We can be our own cheerleader. And, we can allow ourselves to be held, to be comforted, and to be nurtured.

It has been my tantra training over the years that has given me the ability to access all of my emotions, without permission or approval from others. I don't play the romance games that other men expect from me, so that means I'm often alone. As it happens, I enjoy my own company, so I'm seldom lonely.

Tantra teachings, much like the Science of Mind teachings I taught for years simultaneously, are powerful. My first teacher told me that while she was happy I'd decided to study, she was also saddened by one thing:

Once we realize there is no knight in shining armor riding up on a stallion to save us, we have no need to be the damsel in distress.

Whatever you are doing in your relationship, with yourself or someone else, know that your needs are always met. Speaking our word for what we want, whether it's from the 1950s or from a place that only we can access, is the key to our happiness.

I don't have a brand I'm pushing.

I don't require huge numbers of followers.

I do hope, however, that my musings, foibles, and being just Terry can somehow be the catalyst to helping others have a life worth living. Recently, I've been failing myself in that regard. But fortunately, I have tools, mentors, teachers, and treasured friends who have gently guided me back on a path.

I hope you have people like that in your life.

You deserve that.

We all do.

Now go out and live life full tit-boogie!

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