Kindness
- terry4066
- Jul 2
- 3 min read
I've written about kindness in the past. Being kind is so easy, and especially needed in light of today's world.
There was an article by Rosi Golan published in HuffPost. (The link to the article is at the end of this blog.) She relates that a flight attendant noticed she was struggling to get her bag into the overhead compartment and asked if she could help her. "Whoa," she said, laughing. "What do you have in here, bricks?" Golan told her it was her husband's ashes.
The woman changed completely, knelt down with tissues, and told her how sorry she was. She assured her that the crew was there to offer any support she needed.
A box of ashes, even though small, is heavy. Really heavy. I know.
Which is why this hit me hard.
It was 1995. I was carrying an 8x8x8 box containing the ashes of my second husband. The security people (no TSA back then) couldn't have been kinder as I went through the X-ray machine. It wasn't the first time someone went through their area with human remains. I was a mess by the time I got to the plane.
The plane was delayed out of Pittsburgh, and I realized I was going to miss my connection to Helena, Montana. I had the box with Frank's remains on my lap, and I totally lost it. A flight attendant came over to me, and I explained the problem.
The next flight was hours later. The loss of my partner, the bi-coastal memorial service which I conducted myself (OH GOD! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?), were behind me, but I was due to go through another memorial, this time at a Catholic Church with Frank's family who didn't know we were married or that he was gay. I didn't think I could cope with the delay, the changes, just everything.
Side point: We weren't legally married, though two years earlier we had a full-church wedding, presided over by our minister, the Reverend Doctor Arleen Bump. Not only was she our minister, but she was also the president of our organization, Religious Science International. RSI didn't perform same sex weddings as a rule. She performed the service in her full robes, much to the dismay of many other ministers in our faith. Most of those opposed were gay men, by the way. Everyone knew they were gay; most had partners in the church, but back then very few admitted their sexual orientation.
Fortunately, that's changed over the past thirty years, and the current organization, Centers for Spiritual Living, has many out and proud gay, lesbian, bi-, and trans ministers. But Dr. Arleen will always have a special place in my heart as an "in-charge" ally who wasn't going to be told who she could serve.
Back to the story. I wasn't a flight attendant back then. The flight attendant told me she'd get it handled, and boy did she. She had me wait until all the other passengers had deplaned. Then the crew walked me, not to my next flight, but to the Delta lounge. The captain found a connection from Salt Lake City to Helena that went via Missoula. Four flight attendants, two pilots, and I waltzed into the lounge.
The captain explained what the lounge staff would do to make sure I had everything I needed. They were all based in Salt Lake City and finishing their trip, but they took time to do a lot more than say they were sorry. I wasn't a lounge member, and I'm sure this violated Delta's policy. But like Dr. Arleen, he and his crew weren't interested in corporate policy. They were interested in showing kindness to a total stranger.
I'll never forget that day, but not for the reason for the trip.
It was the kindness a crew of strangers showed to me.
I empathized with Golan's flight attendant. When I was a "baby flight attendant," a thousand years ago, I made my own mistake. I was trying to be supportive and asked this woman how far along she was.
Point of note: Please don't do that... ever, unless she's already mentioned it.
She wasn't pregnant.
She was going for surgery to take care of the abdominal hernia she was carrying.
Sometimes...
Sometimes...
... I'd just like to go back and slap the snot out of that clueless cisgender, gay manchild I was.
I learned then that the best way any of us can help another is not by making suggestions or telling them how we got through something.
It's a very simple sentence.
"How can I support you?"
It's amazing the looks you'll get.
Do more kind things today.
And remember to start with yourself.
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