Panic Attacks

I attempt to provide solutions for my readers and clients, not a litany of more insurmountable problems.

However, the current global situation has recently affected me personally.

This convinced me to share my own experience, and perhaps a bit of hope for your day.

It's no surprise to you that we are enduring a shitshow here in the U.S., along with the rest of the world. It used to be that most of our leaders in high places could be trusted to at least exemplify a modicum of decency. Now, in an effort led by our own leader, we see people in power throughout the earth using hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and lies to model their own lives and attempt to replicate what they see as workable governance.

What I hope you take away from this writing is that it doesn't matter who you are; this, or something similar, could happen to you.

Besides being a counselor and therapist for nearly 40 years for others, I've also spent that same amount of time, and many years prior to that, working on myself. A wise teacher must, I was told early on, never stop being a studious learner. This admonition has been the catalyst for a lifelong pursuit to learn more about life.

I mean seven years of ministerial training, followed by three years of ministry internship before I was ordained; and another seven years of earning my college degrees and, you guessed it, another 18 months of internship before I received my license. In addition are the years I've spent in classes, weekly-long experiencials, and studying the practice of tantra and many other teachings, which make up the unique and esoteric nature of my personal spirituality.

So what happened this weekend?

I have been fighting severe depression over the past week, but the uncoordinated movement of my legs when turning in the kitchen and the forgetfulness of the simplest facts were a new twist.

So were the tingling in my extremities yesterday morning, a rapid heart rate, and an increase in blood pressure, all at once. This includes vivid nightmares or night terrors for the past week, where I couldn't stay asleep, and was accompanied by chest pain throughout the previous week.

I could rationalize a lot of it. None of those responses was individually life-threatening. But considering I had open heart surgery only five years ago, I was more than a little concerned when I began six days into these feelings. I also had a stroke while in recovery after that surgery, and the thought of having to go through that recovery again was unbelievable to me.

But you know how men usually are, right? I may be a 70-year-old, cis-gay guy, but I'm still a man, raised with the same bullshit most men in the western world were that says we should tough it out, be able to handle everything, and... my personal favorite, and I'm sure yours... "Just fuckin' man-up, dude."

If you've ever experienced a panic attack, you know how debilitating and, especially if it happens in public, humiliating it can be.

Yesterday, it all fell on top of me. All those symptoms culminated in a panic attack that finally got me to ask my husband to drive me to a local urgent care. Perhaps "ask" isn't quite the right word to use here, since he'd already asked me twice.

If you've ever experienced a panic attack, you know how debilitating and, especially if it happens in public, humiliating it can be.

I was only in urgent care for maybe fifteen minutes before they called for an ambulance. I soon found myself in the local hospital emergency room, where I spent the next three hours having blood tests, monitoring, and a CAT scan.

Why make it a topic of my blog? I'm not looking for people to worry about me, and I don't need sympathy. So why tell the world how insecure I felt? Don't I feel clients or readers will run in the opposite direction from someone who is younger, better-looking, and apparently has the world by the tail?

Good questions.

Here are my answers:

1. Because I know you might be one of the people out there who have already related to my recent situation. The first time it happened to me was in my 20s. I couldn't figure out which paintbrush to pick in a hardware store, and it appeared that every one of them was laughing at me. (The paintbrushes, not the other customers.) I saw my first therapist that week.

2. Because in over 40 years of speaking, writing, and counseling, I've never stood on a pedestal to say I have all the answers, nor will I today.

3. Because no matter who you may listen to, who appears happier, younger, better looking, and trouble-free, someone who is a person you never see online any other way than picture-perfect, because they, too, get afraid and panic, but are too busy protecting their precious brand to take time for themselves.

I don't have a brand to protect, nor do I have sponsors who will pull my funding for what I write. I don't answer to any corporation, secular or ecclesiastical, that will pull my license or ordination because I got "too real" for their tastes.

During my 30 years in ministry, I was ridiculed by other ministers who couldn't believe how honest and open I was with my congregations. When a member asked me how I came up with my topics for a Sunday service, I usually told them something along the lines of: "This is how I totally messed up my week, and this is how practicing the principles I teach and spirit got me out of it."

My life doesn't always work, and when it does, it often isn't the way I might have expected.

Newsflash: No one's life does all the time.

So, yes. I had a panic attack this week that sent me to the hospital for blood work, consultation, and a CAT scan just to make sure my brain wasn't bleeding... again. It's not, and I'm told, perfectly healthy.

The attending physician on call didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about this condition. Rest. Take it easy. Meditate. See someone professionally.

The same thing I've counseled thousands of people about this.

Putting what we know is true for us, whatever that is for you, is the hardest part of living a life worth living. It's not the principles or the teachings.

It's the practice.

"I should go to the gym."

"I need to take the afternoon off."

"I need space."

"I want to take a nap."

"I should eat better."

Find the principles you trust, do what your teachings tell you, and move forward. If you are lost, find someone who isn't and figure out if what they believe in might work for you, too.

A trusted friend or colleague may be a godsend for you, but a trained professional or a teacher of some sort may help you more than a shoulder to cry on. Personally, friends and hugs, often with a bottle of wine and a good cry, are exactly what I need at times, so I'm not putting that down.

Many of you already have a professional in your life to bounce ideas and concerns off of. You probably meditate, take yoga or tai chi, rest properly, balance life and work, and create loving relationships.

Yes... I'll be seeing my therapist this week.

That shouldn't surprise you. If it does, ask yourself this:

Would you allow your dentist to check your teeth and make a recommendation for oral surgery if you knew she never went to the dentist herself to have her teeth cleaned?

Just a thought.

You might try asking your therapist, or one that you're thinking about seeing, how often they see their therapist. The answer will be telling.

I hope you got something out of my most recent ramblings. I'm taking good care of myself this Sunday, something I'm striving to do on a daily basis. The first 70 years haven't been all rainbows and unicorns, but I'm hopeful that as I enter the final 70 years of my life, any past struggles will help me move forward.

You can, too.

No matter what's happening to discourage you, find a way through the situation or out of it. You deserve to be happy despite whatever's going on in your own life and in our global situation.

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Could you benefit from a counselor, therapist, mentor, or coach? My training includes all these modalities. If you need someone to chat with, consider reaching out to me!