Conquering Frustration: Winging Our Way to Freedom

When we begin letting go of frustration, we might imagine ourselves as a bird, winging our way to freedom. You might say, “But a bird has wings. I can’t just pick up and run away.”

And that’s true. But conquering frustration, with or without wings, isn’t about running away. It’s about steering ourselves away from frustrating circumstances and toward more enjoyable and productive pursuits.

And… you do have wings. Your wings are your faith and your belief in yourself.

Before we explore that, let’s circle back to something from the first article: The five major roadblocks to living a less frustrating life and the four steps to relaxation. The following is a more in-depth discussion of what might be stopping us, and how to work through it.

The Five Roadblocks

1. Indecision

My grandmother used to get frustrated because I couldn’t make up my mind. Her solution was something like, “For God’s sake, Terry! Make up your mind, even if it’s wrong!” Very few decisions are unchangeable. We have to commit to choices if we want results.

But if something isn’t working, we can choose again.

2. The Circle of Concern

We can get trapped worrying about yesterday, today, and tomorrow—depressed about the past and anxious about the future. The good news? We can’t change the past, and we don’t know the future. All we really have is now. Staying present and mindful helps keep us centered.

3. Trying to Do Too Much at Once

Multitasking isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. I once heard it described as “getting a lot of stuff done in a mediocre fashion.” I’ve spent an hour deciding how to tackle a to-do list when I could simply have picked one thing, finished it, and moved on to the next.

4. Wrestling With Problems All Day

This connects directly to the Circle of Concern. The more we obsess over what we can’t do, the bigger the problem seems to become. But when we let go of the outcome and focus on what’s directly in front of us, solutions often appear when we least expect them.

5. Refusing to Relax

Even though I’m continuing to see clients after I’ve retired from actively promoting my careers earlier this year, you would think relaxing would be easy. It hasn’t been. I’ve realized how accustomed I became to constantly being busy. Reading a book or taking a walk can feel challenging, hearing a small voice chiding me for not working on something. Our culture’s constant movement—regardless of direction—can become an obstacle to happiness. I’m getting used to telling my little voice to take a hike… or a nap.

Four Steps to Relaxation

Whatever roadblock we’re facing, these four steps can help.

First and second: Forgiveness

First, forgive yourself. Then forgive others. We often continue punishing ourselves for mistakes made years—or decades—ago. I like to ask clients: If you had the knowledge you have today, would you have made the same decision?

Usually, the answer is “no.” And that’s the point. We made the best decision we could with the information we had then. We need to give ourselves permission to move forward.

The same applies to forgiving others. You may have heard someone promise, “I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget!” I’m not sure how that works, because to me, forgiveness means the situation is finished. But—and here’s the key—forgiveness does not mean we’re granting permission for the person to continue their actions. We are not. You also might feel someone doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve the freedom forgiveness provides. You can forgive someone and still decide they no longer belong in your life.

If this is difficult for you, please consider getting professional help. You do not have to work through everything alone.

Third: See yourself at your best

A voice in our head often tells us we aren’t worthy of success, love, happiness, or a fulfilling home life. Think of yourself as the COY—the Chairperson of You. You might even create personas and names for the people on your mental board. Let everyone at the board table know that they are welcome to their opinion, but you’ll make the final decision.

Fourth: Change your thinking

We keep ourselves in check by changing the way we think. That can be difficult at times, but just because it can be hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort. As Cher once said about how she kept her figure, “Honey, if I could bottle this, I would, but sometimes I’m afraid the taste would put people off.” And then there’s Dolly Parton’s wonderfully direct advice from one of her movies when she was dealing with a chronic complainer: “Girl! Get down off that cross! Someone needs the wood.” We can change. An old dog can learn new tricks, and so can a few young pups I know.

Take a deep breath with me.

Now another.

We’ve covered a lot of ground.

Did you recognize yourself in any of those five roadblocks? Or perhaps notice something missing from the four steps to relaxation?

Find Your Wings

Let’s return to the bird we talked about at the beginning.

We can wing ourselves away from frustrating circumstances and toward more enjoyable, productive pursuits because our wings are faith and belief in ourselves.

With faith in yourself and belief in your vision, you can soar toward your destination—higher than you’ve ever gone before.

People who experience high levels of frustration often struggle with self-belief, their goals, or their dreams. Sometimes they haven’t developed a clear vision or personal mission.

I’ve identified seven major aspects of this low self-esteem and negative self-image. Spoiler alert: The first letter of each word spells a word that we often avoid at all costs.

The Seven Signs

1.   Fear. The frustrated person can fear almost anything: what happened, what is happening, and what might happen. We can become caught between depression about the past and anxiety about the future.

2.   Aggressiveness. Fear can produce the wrong kind of aggression. A person like this may step on everyone’s toes while pretending to be completely in control—when, underneath it all, they may have no idea of what to do next.

3.    Insecurity. People with a negative self-image can feel inadequate or inferior and become terrified of making mistakes. Sometimes the person who always has to be right is simply trying to make sure nobody sees their mistakes.

4.   Loneliness. When we believe we have little to offer others, we may avoid people and relationships. And when we do seek company, our frustration can sometimes make us difficult to be around.

5.    Uncertainty. A lack of self-confidence can make even simple decisions feel impossible. What if I made the wrong choice?

This is where FOMO, FOBO, and even FOBI can enter the picture. Do you know what those abbreviations stand for?

FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out. We want what’s being offered but can’t decide which option to choose. Think of scrolling through a website or social media, trying to find what you need.

FOBO: Fear Of a Better Offer. We find someone who meets 9 out of our 10 relationship requirements but keep looking for that elusive perfect 10… while staying single, which is a situation we repeatedly tell everyone we don’t want.

FOBI: Fear Of Being Invited. In this case, we’re so worried about what to wear, what gift to bring, or whether we’ll fit in that we’d rather avoid the invitation altogether, let alone show up! In fact, they may avoid a friend for fear that the invitation will come up. These are just three of the many things that contribute to and nurture our uncertainty.

6.   Resentment. When we feel inadequate, our frustration can turn toward people who appear happy or successful. Instead of asking how they achieved what they have, we resent them for having it.

7.    Emptiness. Eventually, frustration can leave us feeling as though there’s nothing left. If we don’t interrupt the cycle, that emptiness can become deeply destructive.

Put the first letters together of each of these words:

Fear

Aggressiveness

Insecurity

Loneliness

Uncertainty

Resentment

Emptiness

Together they spell: FAILURE

Is it really failure we’re afraid of?

I’ve known people with terrific ideas who never follow through. They say they want success, but something keeps stopping them. Sometimes that something isn’t fear of failure.

It’s fear of success.

Will I lose friends who aren’t successful? Will people think I’m a fraud if I become well-known? Will my partner be able to handle the changes?

We can crave success while simultaneously fearing what success might change in our lives. The good news is that patterns of failure aren’t permanent. We can use conscious, deliberate thought to plant better ideas in our subconscious. Affirmations are one way to begin. I talked about those in part one of this series. But there’s another step that can be even more powerful and lasting: examining our basic paradigms—the beliefs, assumptions, and mental models that guide our lives.

Ask yourself:

Does everything I believed a few years ago still apply to my life today?

Probably not. I used to hate broccoli. Now I can’t get enough of it. Odd example? Absolutely. But if you haven’t figured out how weird and off-the-wall I am by now, perhaps you’re beginning to get the picture.

The point is simple: question your core beliefs. The belief you hold onto most tightly may be the very belief holding you prisoner to frustration. For me, meditation, inspirational reading, and listening to people who encourage me are powerful ways to work on both the conscious and subconscious mind.

Sometimes We Need a Little Help

Seven years ago, I created a series of short videos interviewing my wise friend, Helen King. I’ve been making some changes in my own life over the past year, and the other day I thought: “Damn, I think I need me a little Helen!” I listened to that video series over the past week while I was on the treadmill at the gym. Helen had just turned 90 when I interviewed her; today she’s 97. We talk throughout the month, and we see each other every few weeks, but sometimes I simply need to hear her voice. Those videos are available to you free of charge, and I hope you’ll check them out. You can listen to the whole ten interviews in about an hour, though you might want to ponder some of her thoughts in between.

And yes, this is blatant self-promotion. If you visit my LinkTree profile, you’ll find those resources, along with more than 200 short videos on my YouTube channel about encouragement, personal growth, and ways to think differently about your life. You’ll find Helen’s interviews under the “Conversations” tab.

Sometimes having someone else believe in us—someone who can see the truth and highest possibility for your life—is the extra push we need to move forward. Through spiritual consciousness and meditation, we can begin releasing the problems, situations, or desires that keep us stuck. If there’s something in your life you’d like to change, email me and let me know. I’ll help you recognize the Truth that works in your life. Then you can release the problem, trust that the universe is already working on the solution, and get on with your life.

You don’t have to keep giving the problem your attention. Let it go. Expect something better. Then go on about your business and let the universe do the work for you.

Next week we’ll conclude this series with “Conquering Frustration: The Road to Self-Respect.” As I said at the beginning of this article, you do have wings. Your wings are your faith and your belief in yourself. We’ll cover more on that next week as we conclude this three-part series by learning to develop self-respect. I’ll release it on Substack next Sunday morning.

If you find this article helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. We’re continuing to build a community here in cyberspace, and I’m grateful you’re part of it.

Until then, please know that I value the time you spent reading this article or listening to the recording. You could have spent those minutes in countless other ways, and I’m honored you chose to spend them with me.

Be well, always—and keep in touch. And remember:

You already have the wings.

To learn more about my work and background, visit my LinkTree profile (https://linktr.ee/terrydrewkaranen/). You may also contact me through my website or directly at terry@terrydrewkaranen.com.

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