Acceptance, Tolerance, and Enduring

We all want to be accepted for who we are, especially for those of us with different lifestyles, life choices, and gender expressions.

In the past, when people have asked me about how I'm accepted as a cis-gay man, I've told them frankly that I'd take tolerance over being beaten up or killed any day of the week. As we seem to be moving toward a more authoritarian society worldwide, I still see this as true, at least in this case.

Somewhat, at least.

I'm hearing from far too many clients and friends that they don't feel they are living their true life's purpose. Almost always it revolves around a person or some societal expectations the person perceives as stopping them from having a life truly worth living.

"Oh, my lover wouldn't like that."

"WHAT would my mother say?"

"The Church wouldn't agree, and being there means so much to me."

"I'm not able to hold a job like that. I don't have the education."

I'd love to tell you I have some perfect questions for those excuses.

Yes.

They are excuses. They are not reasons.

Particularly when they come up in every client session, over coffee with a friend, in a telephone conversation that needed to be voice-to-voice and not a text, or in the sadness I see in the eyes of someone I care for.

"But you don't understand, Dr. Terry... " and the excuses continue.

Do you think I'm being unkind?

I'm not.

I'm being realistic.

To be unkind would be to continue with the third or fourth suggestion of what they could try to change the situation, even after the first and second attempts to create options had already been shot down without any consideration. The response is often more "reasons" why what I'm suggesting wouldn't work, even though they haven't tried it, or the situation had changed since they tried it the last time. To quote Jack Nicholson's character from A Few Good Men, some people "can't handle the truth."

In case you feel this feeling never comes up for me, I could refer you to my own therapist, who does the same thing to me. She understands with me, as I do with my own clients and friends, that sometimes I'm not ready to let go of the excuse, even when I'm sure it's an iron-clad reason. It's true for all of us, myself included, to varying degrees and from situation to situation.

There is a common denominator in each of these situations, including my own present situation.

FEAR

Under all the upset, buried beneath the anger and worry, is fear.

It's usually found with its constant companion, SADNESS.

It's debilitating. It sometimes makes me want to sleep late in the morning, returning to dreams I long to be realized; or take a sleep gummy to make me fall asleep the next night, again to get back to those dreams. (Feel free to fill in your own go-to medication or addiction, including shopping, acting out sexually, over-using anything to ignore the pain, etc.)

"OH MY GAWD! Dr. Terry has problems! He can't possibly help me!"

Yeah, I get that from time to time. When I was a pastor, I found other ministers were appalled - yes, APPALLED - that I would admit problems so openly, that I might fall off my pedestal, as they were so afraid it would happen to them. It was they, not I, that sought a pedestal. Frankly, I've never had the balance to attempt being on one. Eka pada pranamasana (the one-legged yoga prayer pose) continues to challenge me, though my yoga teacher continues to encourage me. Unicycles, also, are not my friend.

The attitude about accepting toleration in my life when acceptance isn't possible has been bothering me for some time. Not just because I've felt inadequate to help clients, but because I was living those feelings in my own life.

It was easy to get away from the problems when I was flying around the country 15 or more days a month. Now that I'm retired... not so much.

So I've kept busy. My gardens look better than they ever have. I've returned to writing, both my blogs and my next book. The cleaning and tossing of possessions I no longer need or want would make Marie Kondo and Tilo Flache weep with joy. I've been taking better care of myself since my heart surgery five years ago. But since I've retired, I've chosen (operative word here) to be more regular at the gym, eat on a regular basis (I used to get to writing or working on something, and suddenly I find it's dinner time and all I've had is coffee all day), and take time to prepare the food, usually from scratch. When I put it into my body, I eat it with reverence and as an act of worship.

In my spare time, which I cherish and enjoy, I read voraciously, over 100 books a year, or so I've tracked consistently for the last five years. Many of those gay bodice rippers that I write and read, as a "friend" once called them, have amazing insights. (Side point, I do read other genres, too!) But it's why the novels I write aren't sex from start to finish. My Male/Male Gay Romance Novels focus on the romance, the personal interactions, and sometimes secrets that are too often glossed over in life.

It was in one of those novels by another author, Casey Morales, that I found an answer to the question I had about settling with tolerance when acceptance wasn't available. The story is a prequel to a series of seven books, beginning in the early part of America's involvement in WWII in the early 1940s.

The main character, Thomas, suggests that Nate is saying he's accepted the lack of compassion and legal issues men who love men face in their world.

I don't accept it, he said, I endure it. There's a difference. Accepting means you think it's okay. Enduring means you know it's wrong, and you survive it anyway... I didn't make the world, Thomas; I just learned how to live in it without letting it kill the parts of me that matter."

Endure.

I've endured, which is how I'm now looking at a change in my own life. I endured the recovery from several surgeries over the years. Some were quick, some were longer than I felt warranted, but they all ended.

Tolerating a situation, to me, now means it's ongoing, with little or no end in sight. Enduring a situation, to me, has come to mean there's an end in sight. I know what will constitute that end in my own mind.

This subtle change of meaning altered my perception about having the dark thoughts most people experience from time to time, and brought about a new, positive, and hopeful feeling within me. That is,

Relief and peace of mind

Perhaps this blog will help you with what you're going through, or maybe you think I'm just playing with words. Either way or somewhere in between is fine with me. The great thing about growing older is not giving a rat's ass about what other people think of me. If one person likes this blog, makes a comment, or contacts me, then I call that success.

Enough for now. Casey's information is linked above. If you decide to read any of his work, please let him know. Like me, he's a relatively new M/M romance author (though he's published more than twice what I have in less time!), and we very much appreciate comments of all kinds about our work. Below you'll find a link to the book I just finished... and I'm getting ready for the rest of Of Shadows & Secrets. P.S. (After my last edit.) I now have all seven of the books on my Kindle, and the first few chapters of book one do not disappoint!

Goodnight Not Goodbye: A romantic, MM romance prequel (Of Shadows & Secrets) by Casey Morales

Click the photo above

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Could you benefit from a counselor, therapist, mentor, or coach? My training includes all these modalities. If you need someone to chat with, consider reaching out to me today!

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If you haven't checked out my M/M romance novels, go to my alter-egos site at:

Kenrick D. Turlock