The Obligation of Doing: Balancing Responsibility and Freedom

We all have responsibilities. Our job, family obligations, or health conditions might require us to do certain things.

We also crave freedom, and often desire freedom from those same responsibilities. How can we balance the two?

My personal experience with this quandary comes down to a couple of things:

1. Is it mine to do?

2. Am I willing to understand the consequences... or rewards... of not meeting my obligations?

3. What do I want or need out of my life?

   
   

Let's look at those individually.

Is it mine to do?

Dirty dishes in the sink, a completed load in the dishwasher, the Keurig needing to be refilled with water, or the stove needing a good scrubbing—hmmm.

First, you should understand that it's my kitchen. No one else consistently cooks in my family, and I'm additionally responsible for buying the groceries.

But just because it's my kitchen doesn't mean I have to clean up after the rest of the family. If they use a dish or cup, put it in the dishwasher; don't leave it in the sink. (That also goes for throwing one's coffee out without taking the time to rinse the coffee stains out of the sink... but I digress.)

If someone else doesn't clean up after themselves, that doesn't mean that because my kitchen is dirty from someone else's neglect, it doesn't fall on me to do what they should be doing to keep that part of the house clean.

It also means that if the dishwasher needs unloading or the Keurig needs refilling, I don't have to do that either when I've done it recently. It's not mine to do.

The same, however, is true about my counseling or writing work. I'm often asked to create classes I have no interest in or write about subjects that bore me. There are so many writers out there that I don't feel the need to fulfill everyone's request. Again, that's not something I'm going to do.

Am I willing to understand the consequences... or rewards... of not meeting my obligations?

One of my catch phrases is:

We have freedom of choice, but not of consequences...

... or rewards.

We might be free to decline Thanksgiving dinner with our family, who don't give a rat's ass about our lives. However, they will ask endless questions that will only lead to someone in the family attempting to convince us we are wrong about how we live.

Or, we can politely... or perhaps, not so politely... decline the invitation.

The consequences might be maternal guilt for not showing up. "What am I supposed to tell everyone?!?"

The rewards could be us spending the holidays with people who support our life choices, sexual expression, or work choices.

This also harkens back to the previous question. Who gets to decide obligations in our lives? We must each individually decide whether the rewards outweigh the consequences.

Finally, What do I want or need out of my life?

Let's discuss the difference between want and need.

I may want a new car, but I don't need one, nor am I willing to put up with the consequences of a monthly car payment and higher insurance premiums.

I need a comfortable place to live, food on my table, a good night's rest, and people in my life who love me because of who I am—or, at times, in spite of that.

Many of us have problems answering this seemingly simple question because of FOMO and FOSB.

FOMO stands for Fear Of Missing Out. If we make this choice, whatever that choice is, we may have to choose not to do something else.

FOSB stands for Fear Of Something Better. Society and advertisements want us to buy more and change this or that because if we don't, we aren't cool, in the know, unaware of how unprosperous we look, blah, blaah, blah.

Who are we trying to please? When we go to bed at night, are we satisfied with the life we've created? Or are we so exhausted trying to be everything for everyone that we are so wound up we can't sleep?

Freedom to Live Your Life

We have the freedom to live our lives the way we choose. That doesn't mean people won't be exasperated that we won't follow their example or mold. But it does mean that, once again, we have freedom of choice.

Yes, we may have some limitations. For example, few people in my circles can afford to take a year off work and cruise worldwide. But despite our financial situation, we can make time for a long weekend or an afternoon off. Again, that FOMO raises its ugly head because we can't do what so-and-so can do.

Start with what you can do. Comparisons will only cause us to negate our potential and subject us to grief. Concentrate on what we can do and celebrate that.

We all must decide for ourselves what obligations we have to fulfill, and how we ended up with that obligation in the first place. Our freedom, conversely, cannot come at the expense of our safety. We may want to drive 100 miles per hour down the turnpike, but that's probably not going to be in our best interest... or the interest of the deer, if you live in an area where "dodge-a-deer" has become a yearly pastime while driving.

Start small. Make decisions that you want to make while considering the people around you whom you care about.

In the words of my grandmother, "For God's sake! Make a decision!" Even if it turns out to be less than stellar, you'll know not to make the same decision next time!