Othering: How criticism of who we are negates who we were meant to be

Othering is suggesting or demanding that we act differently from the way we feel compelled to present ourselves. The idea of othering is based on judgment.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines othering as “the act of treating someone as though they are not part of a group and are different in some way.” It can also be stereotyping. Our criminal justice system policies are driven by othering, magnifying the differences between people with comparative terms like “their” children versus “our” children.

Why do others try to change us? In my experience, it’s because we’re acting, writing, dressing, or responding in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable. But, as a well-known speaker once said,

If I’m not pissing off a good number of people, I’m not doing my job.

When someone occasionally others us, it means the person wants us to change our behavior or attitudes to align with societal norms. This may also occur due to another person’s perceived danger for us in some social situations. But more often, it can be an easier way for people to concentrate on changing our behavior instead of accepting us for who we are. This conveniently eliminates the need for them to deal with their own issues.

As I enter my eightieth decade—I turned 70 this year, so my seventieth decade is over—I look back and think of how much I’ve allowed others to correct, adjust, or alter my lifestyle, my life courses, or my happiness. Two of my mentors last year remarked about how the careers I’ve had over the past 54 years all reflected service to others.

Understand this: I’ve enjoyed or loved all my careers and wouldn’t change a thing. Okay, that one temp job where I was required to hone computer boards down to a particular size using a sander wasn’t pleasant, nor was blowing green fiberglass snot out of my nose repeatedly. If manufacturers haven’t automated that process yet, I certainly hope they at least provide masks for their workers. But I digress…

My mentors were not suggesting any changes, but they were giving me the opportunity to ensure I was taking care of one person I seemed to have neglected: myself. Even though I’ve been the caregiver in my various careers and personal life, my desires often came second to what others wanted… or needed, at least in their opinion.

Their simple observation changed my life direction that afternoon, so thank you, Jason and Ingo Tantra.

A TikTok user wrote in a recent video, You know what’s underrated? Letting people be, which racked up millions of views for this simple yet somehow radical sentiment. The video advocated not correcting people when they mispronounce words and for letting them ramble on about that random show they love.

Experts agree with the concept. Clinical psychologist Regine Galanti expressed it this way in USA Today:

Letting people shine, even when they’re talking about something that isn’t your thing, taps into validation through active listening and taking a nonjudgmental stance about what someone else is saying.

As I once told a partner who complained about my outfit, which was diametrically opposed to his three-piece suit, “Who died and made you the fashion police?”

Thanks to the Internet, we can get involved in other people’s business—people we don't know and will never meet—and usually about issues that we can’t even begin to understand or comprehend. Instead of trying to change others, how about we apply the “Five C’s” of some basic tantric principles: curiosity, childlike wonderment, communication, compassion, and compersion?

There is no one else on this planet of over eight billion people who is exactly like you. You have gifts within you that no one else has. If you haven’t found yours yet, get someone to assist you in doing so. No one has your special abilities, ones that the world needs now more than ever.

Could you use a counselor, therapist, mentor, or coach in your life? My training includes all these modalities. If you need someone to chat with, consider contacting me today!