Empathy: Did you know it can be toxic?

Empathy is one quality that allows us to help one another. As a counselor and tantric sex therapist, this asset is crucial to my work. But it will also help all of us lead more peaceful and productive lives.

The other side of empathy is one filled with many of the problems each of us feels. This is called toxic empathy. Review the following list to identify emotions that may be experienced in relation to an individual or groups of people in your own life.

Ways Toxic Empathy Shows Up

Toxic empathy happens when care for others turns into self-neglect, overinvolvement, or blurred emotional boundaries. Key signs and behaviors include:

1. Overidentifying with Others’ Pain

• Taking on someone else’s emotions as your own.

• Feeling overwhelmed by another’s distress, especially if it mirrors unresolved personal trauma.

2. Constant People Pleasing

• Prioritizing others’ needs above your own.

• Needing to “fix” others to feel valued or worthy.

• Losing a clear sense of self.

3. Assuming Responsibility for Others’ Emotions or Problems

• Feeling it’s your job to resolve their issues.

• Taking emotional ownership of their experiences.

• Offering unsolicited advice and getting upset when it’s not taken.

4. Lack of Boundaries

• Not knowing where you end and the other person begins.

• Absorbing other people’s stress or pain.

• Having difficulty saying no, even when it harms your own well-being.

5. Emotional and Physical Burnout

• Chronic overwhelm, resentment, or emotional numbness.

• Compassion fatigue, anxiety, or depression.

• Somatic symptoms: fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, disrupted sleep, and GI issues.

6. Creating Dependency or Loss of Agency

• Making others feel you’re responsible for their healing.

• The other person may feel guilty for sharing or dependent on your emotional labor.

Ways to Avoid Getting Entrapped by Toxic Empathy

To stay compassionate without becoming consumed, the document outlines several strategies:

1. Build and Maintain Strong Boundaries

• Remind yourself: their story is not your story.

• Avoid merging emotionally; support, don’t absorb.

2. Somatic Check-Ins

• Pause during the day to observe your physical state.

• Look for signs of overload: shallow breath, muscle tightness, fatigue.

• Use those cues to reset before burnout occurs.

3. Externalize Responsibility

• Use affirmations or reminders (e.g., sticky notes) to reinforce that others’ emotions aren’t yours to solve.

• Practice mentally “giving back” responsibility to the other person.

4. Develop Recovery Rituals

• After emotional conversations, do something grounding and enjoyable (journaling, music, walking).

• It helps discharge emotional residue and reset your nervous system.

5. Reinforce Self-Worth Beyond Helping

• Reflect on your value apart from being a caretaker.

• Recognize when you’re helping to validate yourself instead of genuinely supporting the other person.

6. Watch for Triggers from Past Trauma

• Be aware of situations where someone else’s pain mirrors your own history.

• Avoid letting unresolved wounds drive overinvolvement.

7. Practice Conscious Empathy

• Ask: “Am I listening to support, or am I trying to fix?”

• Shift from “feeling for” to “being with” — emotionally present, not enmeshed.

Having a strong sense of self-worth will make it easier to help others through empathy and continue to lead productive and satisfying lives. Seek to find a balance between helping others by being an example, not a lecture, on how to lead a life worth living. The goal isn’t to stop caring — it’s to care without carrying.

Could you use a counselor, therapist, mentor, or coach in your life? My training includes all these modalities. If you need someone to chat with, consider contacting me today